The following post may be hard to read, but it is important for me to put it out there. It is important for me to explain my story to the world, but it is also important for me to share this with people who are in a similar position to me, so that they can see that they are not alone. And I stand by what I say when I say that YOU ARE WORTHY!
When I was in primary school, some people decided that I wasn’t good enough for them. They began teasing me and soon, I felt like it was a world-wide craze. I felt so trapped in my own body. To this day, I still don’t know why I was targeted. Whether it was that I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough or my personality wasn’t “just right” I will never know. And to be honest, it doesn’t matter in the greater scheme of things.
Throughout my primary school career, I had next to no friends. As we grew up and my peers began to go out together to see a movie, or to get a slice of pizza, I began to realise more and more how alone I truly was. By grade three, it had become habit that almost every day after school, I would find myself sitting in my room, tears streaming down my face, asking why I wasn’t good enough for people.
Now don’t get me wrong, I tried to get help many, many times but no matter how hard I tried, nothing ever seemed to work. I was trapped in an endless world wind, with no way of ever surfacing.
By grade five, I began to make friends, but I still never seemed to fit in the way others did around me. My world still didn’t seem to get any brighter and the scales above my head never seemed to get any lighter.
I can still remember, clear as day, the moment when the world “I don’t want to play with you” were said to my face. It broke my heart. Of course, these words are powerful, even when coming from an eleven year old. It’s not like it wasn’t pre-empted though, as the week before I had had lice. What child doesn’t get lice at least once in their school career? I’m sure I don’t need to say that those words stung.
I was in the bathroom one when one of my arch enemies turned around to me and mouthed the word “bitch!” to me. Not such a big deal, I know, but at the time, it really hurt me. Soon I began to believe everything that people said to me.
I started grade seven with a grand total of one person who I was willing to call a true friend. At my school, grade seven is the start of high school. So that meant new teachers, new subjects and a new me. I began to change the way I saw myself and it began to work. I had a group of “friends” for the first time and I had people to talk to and to be with. But I still felt like I didn’t belong because the other girls were friendlier, they spoke more, and they saw each other more often.
This is when I first truly realised that I could write. I began to write songs and poems (although looking back I admit they weren’t very good).
In grade eight, I crashed again. I’m not happy to admit it, but I completely lost myself. I never stopped writing, but I lost all sense of who I was and where I belonged.
Grade nine was my turning point. I began to write more and more. And I began to find my place in the world. I decided then and there that I would grow up to write, no matter what.
I also began finding my place socially. I formed a close bond to group of girls and we began to spend a lot of time together. It was here that I formed the bond with my best friend.
I am now in grade ten and although the teasing and bullying has never stopped, I have begun to accept myself for who I am.
I am a bit of a loner, a wonderer, a dreamer. I am musical, I play guitar, I bake and I draw. I am not the prettiest or the thinnest and that’s okay with me. I don’t have any guy friends, I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’ve never kissed a guy before – and I’m proud of that! I snap sometimes and I lose control. I become a monster who unleashes her wrath upon anyone who tells me something I don’t like. I am slightly morbid and gothic and I read horror stories at two in the morning and then get scared to lock up the house, for fear that I may run into a psychotic clown or the ghost of my great, great aunt Tess. I am arty and I love to play around with my looks. I am also caring and I will always be there for anybody, no matter who, when they need someone to lift them up. I don’t judge people because I believe that everybody has their own reasons behind what they do.
I am a proud writer, who writes her feeling down on the page. I dream of one day being a published author, with a lot of hard work, and being a coveted journalist.
But most importantly, I am me. I am myself and I am proud of that! I make my own rules as I go along and over the years I have learned to let go of what people expect me to be.
I will never be anyone’s idea of perfection, and I know that. I don’t expect anybody to be perfect, let alone myself.
But I know that I am worthy of a place here on earth because otherwise I wouldn’t be here, and that goes for every precious soul walking the globe.
Next time you’re having a bad day, or even a bad week, just know that people do care about and that YOU ARE WORTHY of whatever you desire. So long as you work hard, try, and be realistic, you will find that nothing is impossible.
Just reach for your dreams, and don’t let what people say stop you. And never, EVER let anybody tell you that you are not worth it!
